what thoughts rattle around in your brain when you're a mom of a toddler and a breast cancer patient?

Friday, June 03, 2005


I was up late one night this week--well ok, I was up late lots of night this week but this one particular night I was watching tv to try to get myself good and tired so that I didn't need to take any sleep medication. As I channel surfed, I noticed that Braveheart was on. It was towards the ends where the main character, William Wallace, has been caught by his enemies. The queen is trying to get him to take some drugs so that when he is tortured, it doesn't hurt as much. He declines the drugs and says "All men die. Hardly any men really live," or something to that extent. I thought it was a good quote.

This week has not been great. My blood counts continue to be very low and I was denied chemo. The bad part about that is to get my counts up I had to go to the oncology office every day for an injection (one day it was two injections) and sometimes a blood test too. I'll have to go in on Saturday and Sunday for more booster injections and then I ought to be ok'd for chemo on Monday. I've been very tired and run down as well as being prone to crying easily.

This morning I went to have my blood drawn by UCSD to see if my sister and I are a match for their bone marrow transplant (BMT) program. She will get fedexed a package with all the components for her blood draw that she needs to bring to a lab near her so that she doesn't have to come all the way out to CA. If we are a match, then I may have some decisions to make about whether or not this is something I want to pursue. As I mentioned in previous blog entries, the treatment is largely experimental for breast cancer patients. Anyhow, if we are not a match, I'm not eligible for the UCSD BMT program because they are only working with patients who have a sibling match. The odds of my sister/sibling being a match is 25%.

My malpractice lawsuit got picked up by the attorneys in Orange county, did I already mention this? I'm hoping it doesn't drag out for too long. It sure would be great to have enough money in the bank so that I didn't have to worry so much about dragging my tired self into work anymore. Frankly, weekly chemo is kicking my ass and it's getting harder and harder to come in even for a few hours per day. My company will not allow employees to work remotely (from home), which stinks. They have been so great (and when I say great, I really mean it) about everything else. The enormous flexibility and compassion they have shown me makes it hard for me to feel justified in complaining about this one thing too much, but I think its going to be the beginning of the end for me. Time will tell. I really wish this stupid cancer would leave me alone so I could go back to having a normal life.

I'm getting pretty tired right now so I guess I'll call it a day. Time to get some sleep.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog has inspired me to value the precious moments in my life and to take the time to appreciate everything. Even the little chores that I didn't like before I'm trying to be more conscious of and just aware of the moment, if that makes sense.

You are inspiring and your strength and spirit are amazing. My stepdad is fighting metastisized cancer. Your thoughts on your own treatment and how people treat you are helping me understand his experience.

Wishing you lots of good red blood cells to fight your exhaustion.

11:28 AM

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