what thoughts rattle around in your brain when you're a mom of a toddler and a breast cancer patient?

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Catching my breath

Yes, literally.

I really don't even know when I last posted or what I wrote. I had some time in the hospital because of an infection, fever and shortness of breath a while back and I can't remember if I logged in since to write it all up. I'll have to check later.

Funny thing about that hospital visit. I'd been feeling crummier each day leading up to it but it gets so hard to tell when you have the crap kicked out of you from chemo all the time. The regular questions get harder to answer. Am I tired? Fatigued? Short of breath? No appetite? Weight loss? Sleeping poorly? Well...yeah, for like the last year. I think the main thing this time was the fever of 102.8 that set it apart.

I had to come home with oxygen tanks and a pain pump (pca pump). I think I'm pretty much done with the extra oxygen now, I believe the antibiotics healed the infection and my lungs got back their reserve because I can walk up our stairs and not get winded and that's on my own steam, not the oxygen.

I think Veronica gets pretty scared when I come home with more stuff attached to me. The new chemo includes the evil yet necessary decadron which is a drug I respond badly to from an emotional standpoint. In other words, it makes me soooooo depressed. I just cry. No reason, no warning. I suggested to the onco that I try out Zoloft to see if it will counter that, at least somewhat. I've only been on Zolo for a few days, surely not enough for it to have gotten the upper hand. The good news is that decadron is only in my system for about three days because of chemo and as of yesterday, I could feel it leaving me.

My dad, stepmom and sister have all been here in San Diego to help out me and my family. Each has helped wonderfully in their own way--another blog entry for when I have more energy. In this same space/time, my mom (she likes to call herself The Birth Mother now) invited herself out and sort of bumped dad, stepmom and sis out of place, which was disruptive but unavoidable without a huge confrontation. I guess that's how my mom plans to do things now, the slash and burn method? Maybe next time I'll be stronger and call her bluff and just say what I really wanted to say...don't come out please, you don't make me feel better. I already have people here who are taking care of me the way I need.

My friend Judy was in San Diego for a little bit of business (www.strollerstrides.com) and she built in some time for visiting so I got to see her for the last two days. she is part of a Navy family and now has to move about every two years but I knew her first when we were just single girls having fun in San Diego. She, her husband and beautiful little daughters live in Jacksonville FL right now. Judy is such a good person, and seeing her really lifted my spirits. She brought me pictures of our single girl times together (Mayor's Midnight Run Marathon 1998 and so on), she walked with me, hugged me when I cried for no reason, and today brought me a cute outfit to go with some shoes that my sister bought for me a month or so ago. I wished Judy still lived here... she's the kind of person you always want on your team if you know hard times are ahead.

I still have my hair and I don't know why. I've had two weeks of chemo and I think it ought to be falling out. I'll have to research Taxol given in this way, maybe it just takes longer for the hair to fall out. The onco and nurses seemed sure my hair was not going to stay. I'll miss it.


Anonymous chrissy47 said...

It's so good to hear your spirits are up. KEEP THEM THAT WAY!!!!! I'll, as always, keep you in my prayers.Keep fighting("The Theme From Rocky" playing in the background here). We Love You!!! :)

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