That's all I can think of to write. It's back. It might not ever go away. Fuck. I don't want to live with cancer. I want to live without cancer.
I start chemo again on Wednesday. I have only had about a one month break from the last chemo. If this is what my life is going to be like, on chemo, off chemo, on chemo, off chemo I can't say I am all that interested in jumping aboard.
I look at my sweet baby and I think, it I die while she is still so little, will she even remember me? I'm glad I picked a man who is a wonderful dad just in case he has to raise her alone. I'm going to be speaking to a malpractice attorney next week...if something happens to me, I have to make sure my family is covered: Dan will need money to live in a nice place where the schools are good, he will need help at our house taking care of general things, and the girls will need money for college. If i lose my job I will need money to maintain health insurance.
I'm looking at the sky and asking for the strength courage to go through this all over again. I sure don't have it right now.
My friends have all responded in just the way I would want them to. They are supportive and empathetic. I'm a lucky person to have so many wonderful people in my life.