what thoughts rattle around in your brain when you're a mom of a toddler and a breast cancer patient?

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Deja Vu

I'm not French so if I spelled that wrong, get over it.

Today I went wig shopping with cancer survivor and good friend Angela. It wasn't fun the first time (for wig shopping) and it was even less fun the second time. I didn't buy anything because I'm not 100% sure I'll lose my hair, although the odds are not in my favor. I wanted something cute and short, a la Halle Berry but all the short styles look like what my stepmom calls Condo Hair. Condo Hair is sort of older woman styled hair-- every hair in place and just a bit too much.

There were a few short-ish styles that were ok. I have a small head and face so too much hair makes me look like a caveman. Stop laughing, it's true. Anyway the salewoman at the store assured me that they can trim out alot of the extra hair. I already know this because I have two wigs at home. As that thought flashed through my head, my eyes started tearing. God damn it, I don't want to wear stuff on my head again. I just want my own hair already. This is such bullshit.

Tomorrow is my first chemo on the Vanderbilt Regimen. The drugs are Mitoantrone, 5-FU and Leucovorin which is actually more like a vitamin and less like a drug. It somehow makes 5-FU work better.

I'm planning a different approach for this chemo. I'm going to take more supplements (pre-cleared by my oncologist of course) and I'm going to force myself to exercise on the days I feel ok. I'm going to try to find myself a nutritionist and will attempt to eat better (at this point I just need to attempt to eat...I am so stressed that my appetite has vanished). I also want to incorporate some acupuncture and Reiki into my treatment. Reiki is provided by the social worker who is on site at the infusion room. The acupuncture will be on my tab. I love my acupuncturist but she has gotten so busy that I don't think she has time to see me anymore. I'm going to see if she has anyone she recommends.

I am dreaming about running. Running as in jogging, exercising, sprinting. Not running away. I feel like if I can run really hard, maybe I can blow out those stupid nodules in my lungs. I would like to burn them out of my lungs, which, actually is a possiblity. My oncologist mentioned something called ablation therapy. I need to look into that.

Until then, cross your fingers, eyes and toes that The Vanderbilt Regimen makes my cancer die so that I can go on with my life and finally put this behind me. I will get two rounds and then my oncologist will give me a new CT scan to see if those nodules are going away.