what thoughts rattle around in your brain when you're a mom of a toddler and a breast cancer patient?

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Ronne passing

To all the friends, family and fans of the Butterfly, this is her husband, Dan.
I am sorry to post this news but some of you are already aware of it. I just feel that Ronne wanted an ending to this blog and was unable to do so. I will fill in the final blanks.

Shortly after the last blog by Ronne, things went downhill very quickly. After discovering that her remission was over, She started another Chemo regimen. She continued to experience tremendous pain and the only recourse was to increase her morphine dosages. Finally on Sep 27, 2005 Ronne was forced to check into San Diego Hospice for 24 care and pain management as I could no longer care for her at home. This was the hardest decision of my life as Ronne wanted so desperately to not have this happen. After 4 days in hospice it was discovered that the cancer had spread to her spine and hips.

The butterfly finally realized that she would not win this battle and prepared herself to go on to the next life. She said goodbye to her friends and family over the next week as her condition quickly deteriorated. Although extremely sad for the time, in retrospect it was a final gift from her to be able to tell us all individually goodbye. Most people don't get that in life.

Ronne's condition worsened to the point that she was hallucinating and screaming out loud. We were told by the doctors that the cancer had spread to her brain. She was eventually put into a drug induced state of semi consciousness, no longer feeling pain, but no longer lucid or able to communicate with us.

I drove myself close to insane in those final days, trying my hardest to stay at the hospice room with Ronne as I had promised her I would not desert her and that I would be by her side when she passed.

Ronne passed at 315 A.M. Tuesday, October 11, 2005. I held her in my arms until her once powerful and iron willed heart stopped beating , and I cried. I held her and kissed her and talked to her until her best friend, father and step- mom arrived and let them say goodbye. I returned while she was still warm and I held her some more and cried some more, then said goodbye.

Before Ronne became incoherent, I made her a promise. She had raised close to $15,000 for the Susan G. Kommen Foundation for Breast Cancer Research, and had asked me to walk in her place in the annual 3 day 60 mile walk for a cure in San Diego. Three days after Ronne's death, I began the walk and on Sunday, October 16, 2005, I completed the 60 mile walk in her honor. Through the entire 3 day walk, my ankles and feet swelled and blistered, but the pain I carried in my heart was so much worse.

Today, Saturday, October 22, 2005, I will say goodbye to my gorgeous wife's earthly remains as we honor her at Mt. Soledad in La Jolla CA as per her wishes, and scatter her cremated ashes to the wind.

I have lost my wife in her physical self and I mourn this loss with so much sorrow and unspeakable pain in my heart and soul.

She was my soul mate, I loved her the first time I saw her and my only regret in life will be that I did not let her know that sooner. The time I spent with her, first as friends, then as lovers is so precious and the memories of that time here on earth with her will have to do until I see her again.

Although my body is filled with grief for Ronne in every fiber, I know that I will see her again. One reason Ronne held on for so long was for our daughter Jennifer and our daughter Veronica. But she told a friend that she was afraid to go because she thought she wouldn't be able to find us when we joined her later. We told her we would find her. I told her I would find her every day for the rest of my life , I will feel her in the warm sun on my face, hear her in the gentle breeze, feel her in the pulse of the ocean waves, taste her in the sweet salt of the sea and smell her in every rose. I told her I would find her after I leave this earth by following that bright light of a soul that guided us and inspired us here in this life.

Thank you all for following her journey. I just wish she could keep posting her new journeys as well.

I love You Ronne.

Your husband, forever